Sunday, May 23, 2010

Down memory lane

I went to Landmark @Phoenix Mills yesterday with my friend Charmaine. I got nostalgic there, thinking of the lovely life I had as a grew up. The dreams, the aspirations, the hobbies.... which got buried in the depth of my work life and struggles and turmoils. The last 10-12 years of my life have only been a struggle. Sometimes a severe and tough one! And all this while, my dreams took a backseat. Why did a place in a mall bring back old memories. Because after ages I let myself be lost in the imported chocolates I saw there, the books which were once a craze with me. The poster colours, fabric paints... everything which was once a part of me were all there. I saw the Enid Blytons, the Agatha Christies, which were part of my school days. There were the Archies Digests, the Tintin comics, which we freaked on even after college. Picked two Archies Comics Digest (just for the fun of it), a religious book and some imported chocolates. Everything I'd held back hoping to enjoy later when things settle down in my life were all there (but neither life settled down, nor did I get to enjoy it!). To top it all, even saw Mandira Bedi. But time was short as I had to rush back home as Dad was alone (other family members were not in Mumbai for various reasons).

I used to read a lot, write a lot. Always wanted to be a well known writer and wanted to get into journalism. Somehow, that did not happen and I got into banking. After that, the struggle got more severe in operations, and I worked till quite late making personal life a complete mess. During the same time, we moved from South Mumbai to Mira Road. This added to problems with long and difficult commuting hours! And I moved to a centralised processing unit, so work hours also became longer.

Slowly, friends faded in the background. I become a loner with only my family around me. I stopped going out and enjoying life. The days were spent in office, from where we could not even see the daylight. When we finished work and got out, the day had already set. Years passed by, years got added to age. Bank holidays didn't translate into holidays for us, as some or the other branch was working in Northern / Eastern or Western India. And we had to report to work. But on those days, we got to leave little earlier. I still remember, how much seeing even a little daylight brought a feeling of satisfaction for me. It warmed my heart as it does when you see something you adore (seeing kittens brings the same feelings in me!). On Sundays, I used to stare at the open window looking at the bright day. I never let the curtains be drawn being afraid to miss out seeing the daylight.

Days went by. I stopped even meeting relatives or going for marriages. Because people started wondering why I wasn't married. I hated the exclamatory stares of known people as I attended marriages of younger people. Neither did I get the time to attend functions. But even Sundays, I preferred to be by myself. And moreover, I needed the rest to gather strength to fight through the coming week. Work got more hectic as many people quit in frustration. While I faced the problems bravely. The people in the neighbouring area probably thought I worked in a Call centre and not in a bank. Because people are generally used to seeing retail branches, which close earlier. Processing units and corporate operations are areas which are not visible to the normal public.

To the existing problems, marriage problems started getting added. I was already late. As I hardly got time to socialise, I was not seen or known much. When proposals came, I was not available at home. Time went by. The pressure started building from all sides. Family, friends, relatives. Finally, came a time that I myself started feeling the pressure and lot of insecurities started cropping up in my mind. Then even the little free time i got, now had to be put in finding a soulmate. Ads were put in newspapers, my name was registered by my parents in marriage bureaus. Then there was a lady in Andheri, who was supposed to fix marriages, whom I hated on sight! Everywhere it was just a question of money. No one really bothered after that. Going to all these places, used to bring tears to my eyes. I hated every part of it. I felt like a commodity. Nothing worked. It only brought funny and sad results. And disappointment. Then we decided to try the matrimonial sites. More disappointments. Then finally gave up with a lot of frustration. Confidence slowly starting going down with problems in work and life.

Hobbies and things I liked to do went further in the background. 2-3 good friends remained. But there was no time to even meet them. Just a few calls here and there once in a month or two. Or sometimes, not even that. Parents health started taking a toll. Dad's health, especially. It was bad when he had to come to the station with chest pain to pick me from the station when I used to be late from work. Finally I could take it no longer and decided to quit, no matter what. I tried one last time to ask for a transfer to a corporate branch, where timings would be much better. It finally worked (had been trying since a couple of years)!

I moved to a branch after several long years in what I call 'Kaale paani ki sazah'. As I think of those days, I can sing -'' Summer of 2009, those were the worst days of my life''! Because the location was also very far from Andheri station apart from having long work hours. 10 months back I moved to Worli office. Life was definately better than earlier. Timings were better. Comparatively, I felt better. I could see the daylight from the glass windows and go out and have lunch too. And at branch, could actually get the bank holidays after so many years. This period gave me time to concentrate on my Dad's health, coax him for checkups, and talk him into getting operated. I gave up on thinking of marriage after all the tensions. Then for almost three months I was assigned the task of setting up a trade desk at Borivali branch. This was almost after Dad's operation. Being near home helped. And post surgery, we were to give him injections day and night. My bro, who had work timings later did the task in the morning. One injection to be given before dinner became my duty as I came earlier than ever! I was scared initially, but finally became a good nurse. And believe me, those were the best months of my life in the entire span of 10 years in the bank. I was near my home. Could leave home at convenient time in the morning. Could finish work at 7 -7 pm and still be home by 8 pm or earlier. Could pay attention to myself. I saw several movies in this short span of time, which I'd not seen in ages. Found a nice, kind man and my marriage got finalised within a month of moving to Borivali. Everything was finally falling in place. I thought God has finally heard my prayers. I was happy to be happy finally. But suddenly, things started going backwards. The period did not last for more than 3 months! I was put back in Worli as in-charge of a Unit. According to management, they have given me a good profile and increase in pay, but for me it only meant long distance from home and longer hours. For me, now only peace of mind and happiness matters. Work now is better than old times. But why should I settle for only better after all these years of struggle?! The marriage which got finalised, is again stuck for various reasons. And my Life has again come to a standstill. Everyone I know is asking me about the marriage date, which I myself do not know. I don't even know what's going to happen finally. But keep praying and hoping for the best.

I don't want to go into reverse gear and experience all the problems all over again. I want to be happy. Truly happy. Settle down. Have my own kids. I want my family to be happy because of me. I want to do things that I like. Like painting, sketching - I wonder when I did that last! I keep smiling inspite odds. I fight back the tears. But sometimes u cannot stop them. But have to control for family's sake. In office, I have to joke and smile and boost the morale of my reportees who work hard. But sometimes people envy outward projections of happiness, not knowing what's deep within. And you lose more of what you never had anyways!

I don't know what prompted me to write what I would never share generally with anyone except at home.

I am going to work on realising my dreams. And I need lots of prayers and my own determination for that. I thank my friend Charmaine who's been a moral and emotional support ever since I've known her for the past few months. I thank God for her. I shall overcome one day, Inshallah.


sk said...

After reading about you, I have been thinking.... About life, dreams, aspirations, happiness, loneliness, struggle, friends and many things. Why life is so unfair to some people? Being empathetic by nature, I can understand your situation and your feelings. I can just pray to Allah to give you all the happiness and the kind of life you dream of.
But the good thing is that you are quite a strong person. Inshallah, with your inner strength and determination, you will be able to overcome all the struggles one day and get the happy life a person like you really deserves.
Keep yourself surrounded by truly supportive friends and relationships. Half of our strength really comes from them. Read some good books. Specially books written by writers who have a deep understanding about life and it's complexities, relationships, and who write about fulfilling one's dreams. These books really gives us lots of strength.
What else? Pray to Allah. Inshallah, everything will fall into the right place soon.

Only eyes washed with tears can see clearly....

Shagufta said...

Thanks! :-)

Shagufta said...

Thanks for your kindness... Please pray for me. I sincerely need them more now.

samurai said...

there will be a time for everything,the more that you encounter a period without change,the more better a person that you become,at the end of the day,you will realise that all will fall into place.

sk said...

During the Friday prayers today , I did pray for your happiness. I remember you in most of my prayers. Don't worry and have faith. Inshallah, everything will be fine with you soon....

Shagufta said...

Thanks Samurai and Sk for your concern.
Things have gotten worse for me and my family since the past few days. I am just praying for coming out of this difficult phase. Could not even bring myself to step out of the house since last 2 days. Too disturbed go to office. Just in seclusion with my family. On Tuesday, I did go but was totally blank. Scared to step out. Will go on Sat. Have relaxed my mind thru prayers. Thanks for remembering me in your prayers, Sk. May Allah bless you too!

sk said...

"Anything that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

So, Shagufta, just ask yourself: "What's the worst that can happen?"

Rainy days clear the sky for beautiful sunshine days.....

Shagufta said...

The worse has happened almost! Every problem in life, I've taken strongly. And braved it. This time, I am dying. I can feel the pain physically too. I wouldn't have written this article in the first place unless problem was grave. There are things I cannot write here!
Thanks for your concern, anyways. You are just two initials -SK for me sent from Allah to help me in times of trial.

sk said...

I don't know exactly what has gone so wrong in your life. I just pray to Allah wholeheartedly for you and your family. May you all come out of this crisis soon.....Have faith.

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to"